The Art of a Good Breakup

Breakups are booming and I have advice.

I’ve become a bit of a barometer for the dating scene in LA and NYC, and lately, I’ve noticed a BIG spike in fall breakups (alongside the usual flow of weddings and baby announcements). This is supposedly when everyone is coupling up, but I’ve always known ‘cuffing season’ was a scam.

As an ‘advice-giver’ friend and with my inner Carrie Bradshaw fully activated as a new Substacker…it feels like the fitting time to share my two cents on breakups.

I’ve been through enough breakups to feel like I’ve covered the entire spectrum. Since high school, I’ve consistently had serious relationships lasting 2-3 years, with about a year in between each one. The past 3 1/2 years is the longest I’ve ever been single.

I’ve experienced the earth-shattering heartbreak of being broken up with by someone I thought I’d marry. I’ve ended things with two people who thought they were going to marry me. I’ve had mutual endings, been cheated on, I’ve cheated, and I’ve dealt with the ex who resurfaces just as I’ve moved on. I’ve dated incredible guys and some insaneee disasters. And with a bunch of friends, I’ve lived through all their stuff too, so I feel more than qualified to share some essential tips with you.

Unless you’re in one of those freakish situations where everything ends mutually and you walk away with complete closure, breakups are inherently miserable. There’s no detour around the pain. It really is a case where the only way “out” is “through”.

If you’ve just been dumped, the following weeks can quickly become prime time for some of the most questionable decisions you’ll ever make. The moment your heart breaks, the rational part of your brain is *gone*. You might find yourself on Etsy, looking for a witch to cast a spell to get your ex back. Suddenly, you’re reposting philosophical quotes about relationships and self-worth on your Instagram stories, writing "FACTS." You’re secretly pausing on every TikTok tarot reader and stalking your ex’s social media and their friends, ravenous for any lil’ scrap of intel.

When you’re going through a breakup, the advice you hear can be hard to swallow. Of course, it all makes sense in hindsight, but in the moment, it feels unbearable. People want you to move on immediately, but how?! Maybe you don’t even have closure!

The truth is, closure is elusive, and more often than not, you have to create it for yourself. Still, I believe there are important tips to sidestep the drawn out suffering.

One of the most important “rules” if you’re on the receiving end of a breakup is:

Breakup Tip #1: Don’t fight it. Accept it.

When you’ve been dumped, your brain can’t help but latch onto one thought: how to win them back. The impulse to change their mind is overwhelming, and convincing them they’re making a huge mistake seems like the only option. Plz resist that urge! If they’re struggling to choose or commit to you, that’s already your answer. I promise the “love of your life” isn’t someone who is unsure about you.

Which leads me to Tip #2:

Something I’ve experienced and witnessed OFTEN is the mental gymnastics we (usually women) will do to ignore the truth, hanging on to the fantasy of what could have been. It’s easy to forget that we’re not just mourning the relationship…we’re mourning the future we had imagined. But is the “potential” in the room with us? NO. If you can be honest with yourself, you’ll be able to admit that the dream you created in your head is probably light-years away from the reality in front of you.

Tip #3: They’re (usually) not the enemy.

It’s tempting to frame your ex as the villain. It feels instinctual. But honestly, that mindset does you no favors. Instead of making them the Devil, consider that they’re probably just a flawed human who wasn’t evolved enough for what you need. Wishing them well might actually free you faster than clinging to resentment.

Tip #4: Resist the urge to romanticize.

Conversely, DON’T PUT ON ROSE-COLORED GLASSES now that it’s over. It’s all too easy to forget about the fights and gloss over the not-so-great moments and disappointments. Don’t do that. You weren’t happy 70 percent of the time, REMEMBER? Your friends remember!

Tip #5: Extreme honesty.

I really can’t stress how important extreme honesty is. When you’re the one initiating the breakup, there’s a feeling that’s like dread but magnified to a level you didn’t think was possible. You’re dealing with fear of the unknown, doubt creeping in that you’re making the wrong choice, and the overwhelming guilt of knowing you’re about to shatter someone’s heart all at once. I think getting broken up with is worse, but breaking up with someone you care about is so brutal in its own way.

So it’s normal to want to let them down easy with lines like “maybe after some time” or “I just need to work on myself,” but you’re actively harming them when you do that. Be clear: “I don’t see this happening in the future.” Don’t give them a diluted version of the truth that keeps them hanging on. Remember that nothing is more torturous, hurtful, and selfish than staying with someone out of comfort, familiarity, or pity. Release them! And when you do, don’t sugarcoat it.

As painful as it is, you’re giving them a gift. They know it’s done. You didn’t feed them delusions. And please don’t hit them up later because you’re lonely. Respect them enough to let them move on without mixed signals.

Tip #6: GTFO.

This might be the only real “hack” out there, but the best thing you can do after a breakup is create space. And I mean physical space. Most people can’t trust themselves to act in their own best interests when they’re in pain. So, leave town. Seriously, pack a bag and get out. Get in your car and drive an hour away. Stay with a friend, do something to shift your environment. You need to be out of the house. Being able to temporarily escape the situation helps give us an iota of perspective in a time when it’s nearly impossible to have any. Sitting in your bedroom won’t do that.

Breakup Tip #7: Zoom out.

Try to observe your own situation like a bystander, like a friend would. Give yourself advice the way you’d give it to someone else. I once heard someone say, “If your entire situation was broadcasted on TV, would you feel dumb?” If the answer is yes, please let it go. Find something better.

Breakup Tip #8: Boundaries/No Contact

No contact works for a reason! It forces a clean break. But you have to actually believe in what you're doing. You can’t say things like, “Don’t contact me unless…,” because we all know what that really means: please, reach out. It’s less of a boundary and more of a dare. You’re hoping for one last grand gesture, proof they still care, a small rebellion against the inevitable. It’s easy to convince yourself you’re setting boundaries, but deep down, you want them to break them. Show me you care! Prove you still think about me! It feels like you’re taking control, but really, you’re just waiting for them to make the first move.

No contact, on its first attempt, rarely holds. You’ll last a few weeks, maybe longer, but then someone breaks. There’s a text, maybe a meet-up, and you both rehash everything that was left unsaid. Someone ends up hurt all over again (or you get back together and break up again), and that’s when the real no contact finally starts.

Instead of letting things drag on, just get everything out in that first conversation. Make it calm, make it honest, make it complete. Say what you need to say so you can walk away knowing there’s nothing left to be discussed. Let them do the same. It’s brutal, but it’s the only way to avoid getting stuck in a cycle. And when it’s over, commit to the silence. Let the space actually do the work.

Breakup Tips #9: Less whining, flip yr perspective

It’s easy to get stuck in the cycle of venting. Repeating the same stories to anyone willing to listen, thinking it will somehow relieve the weight. Sure it does a bit, but eventually, it just keeps you rooted in the past. Instead, give yourself some time where you decide, I’m not going to talk about it. During that time make a list. Seriously, MAKE A LIST of your dream relationship or partner. I’m telling you, it really flips your headspace from scarcity to possibility. Figure out exactly what you want. You’ve fallen in love before, and you will again. Believe this.

Breakup Tip #10: There is no race.

This isn't anything new but people in their 30s obviously feel it…like you’re racing against some invisible clock to find love and settle down. Fuck that imaginary ass clock. Detach from the outcome. It’s baffling that we buy into the idea that everyone miraculously finds their “person” in their 20s or early 30s. If we use our logical brain, we know we can’t control when love happens…it can occur at any moment! Some people find their soulmate at 40 or remarry at 50 and end up happier than ever. Stop convincing yourself that you need to have everything life promised you by your 30s. Stop living in a countdown and allow yourself to actually enjoy where you are right now instead of constantly measuring yourself against the next milestone. You can’t manipulate timing! And trying to only heightens the anxiety. Things tend to align when you stop trying to push them into place.

Breakup Rule #11: Shut the door.

Say this with me right now: NO ONE NEW CAN COME IN IF I HAVEN'T SHUT THE DOOR! The right person can only waltz in if there’s room for them energetically. If you’re clinging on to any past romantic connection, nothing new will enter. Period.

So shut the door so you can welcome in the possibilities that lie ahead. I get that this rule sucks because no one wants to shut the door but do it for now. I never said to lock it—just shut it. And then, when you’re ready, lock that shit. Or do a cord cutting ceremony (highly effective!!!) if you’re up for it.

Tip #12: You don’t get to decide when you move on, yr body does.

I tell everyone this: you don’t get to decide when you move on; your body does. One day, your heart won’t drop into your stomach when you hear their name. Moving on isn’t just a mental decision…it’s a visceral response. You can’t just choose to move on with your mind. You’ll likely still be in love with that person until you find someone you love as much or even more. Until then, it just sucks.

So stop fixating on whether you’ve moved on or not. Think of it as an ongoing process happening in the background. It’s perfectly okay if thoughts of them linger or if certain things still affect you. Let those feelings wash over you. One random day, you’ll wake up and realize you’re over it. And it will be glorious. You will be free.

Tip # 13: Rebounds

I don’t really have much to say on rebounds because it varies from person to person. For some, diving back into dates/hook ups right away helps them gain perspective and see new possibilities. For others, it can feel even worse because no one really compares. Weigh out your options and make sure you’re not dragging anyone else into your mess in the process.

THAT’S IT. Those are my 13 tips to chew on.

My last piece of advice goes to anyone reading this who’s feeling unhappy and contemplating a breakup. You might stay because untangling your very intertwined lives feels impossible. Or even the thought of starting over feels paralyzing. But let’s not forget: we will all die. Choose yourself! Embrace the unknown. Big risks often lead to big rewards, but you have to believe that.

Breakups are part of life. They suck, but they’re not inherently unhealthy…they’re just tough. We flail in sadness or fear, struggling to see clearly until the smoke clears. Weeks, months, or years later, we often realize it was for the best.

Every single relationship teaches us something. We come out stronger, or we learn to grow, evolve, and finally confront the work we've been avoiding.

When we’re on our deathbeds, we’ll look back and shed tears over every single great and shitty moment that made us who we are. You don’t want to look back and think, 'I played it safe' or 'I clung to something that wasn’t meant for me.'

Pain is part of the package. So is love. You can’t have one without the other. Here’s to moving on. Because you probably deserve better.

Thanks for reading.